Crop Dusting the Make Up Aisle

Imagine being such a people pleaser that you hold your farts in public restrooms only to crop dust the makeup aisle 10 minutes later. Oh, just me? I don’t think so. It REEKS over there.

I know I’m not the only one. Someone else is just like me.

I can smell her shopping for mascaras because she’s leaving in her wake, a gas so thick, it’s like I’m following troops through an Agent Orange drop without a mask.

Private, go ahead without me. It’s hazy out here. I can’t breathe normally. Save yourself.

In reality, I’m working my way through which lipgloss to pocket while huffing what can only be described as acid rain vapor after it hits a hot tin plate. It’s a harrowing degree of multitasking. 

What I’m asking of myself and all of us is to let that wind out in the stall, Mama. Get a coffee and even take a shit! Don’t wipe well enough because it’s physically impossible. You recently installed a bidet and without it, these undies are going right in the hamper when you get home. But hey, you listened to your body. Time to treat yourself to a new set of makeup brushes! You earned it! Steal a case of water or some bulk cat litter in the self checkout. Love is on your side!

You walk out of the store refreshed and your receipt? It’s an angel number. You may never hold a fart again.